do you need friends?

I recently was recommended a video, and clicked it from sheer curiosity as to why this was recommended to me: it was an individual talking about their experience with "cutting everyone off", and how much happier it made them. The creator spoke to the merits of not having any friends at all: how they were protecting their peace, and prioritizing their strong familial bonds. While on paper those are positive developments, and I'm certainly happy for them, I can't help but think that they misrepresented how a friendship even works.

When they described what they called "friendships", it became apparent that this person had been bullied all their life, and believed that's just what friendship was.

It comes as no surprise that they cut everyone off: this person had what sounded like acquaintances by virtue of proximity alone. People surrounding them that were not actual friends, but people they saw every day and thus developed a perceived closeness with. People who don't actually like you, but use you as an stepping stone to elevate their own ego. People you can't really get away from because you know them from school, or work, or because they're the only people your age with similar interests in a 15-mile radius. Folks in the comments corroborated this experience, decrying the concept of friendship for the abuses they've endured in relationships like these.

This is something I consider symptomatic of "small town syndrome", mainly because I've lived in a handful of places in my 30+ years, and the only time I was ever bullied was in a small town, or by people from small towns.

Here's the thing: when a school has 300 people in it, it's very easy to care about status, and for some it becomes imperative to wallpaper over their personal inadequacies by keeping others just slightly more miserable than themselves. Rumors travel in minutes and last years after graduation. Toxic cliques and patterns persist into adulthood. There's also less recreation; you need a ride to the mall, the movies, the park, and any other space where something more mentally engaging than interpersonal drama could happen. You can't leave those friends of proximity because it feels like there is no one else out there.

On the other hand, when you're in a school with over 3,000 people, popularity cannot exist. Gossip dies within the day because who the hell is Derek and why should I care what he does? People aren't so afraid of tanking their rep for speaking up. No one is able to consistently rank anyone on any hierarchy, because there are just too many people to keep track of. Like, 10 people (including me) were missing from the high school yearbook and no one noticed in time for printing because there were almost 800 graduates. But the beauty in there being too many people is that if your "friends" have small town syndrome, you know you can easily find new ones. There are thousands of other people to meet, and hundreds of places to find them.

I feel sympathy for the person that made the video I watched. I remember what it was like to be surrounded by people who were cruel and superficial and seemingly inescapable, and how wonderful it was to learn the world was broader than that. We are in an era where the loneliness epidemic is an ever-expanding class issue exacerbated by poverty and policy, and we're seeing a paradoxical dependence on social media feeds and chatbots to mitigate that. But, none of that can replace genuine connection. The algorithms and LLMs sure as hell won't fight for you when you really need it.

Fulfilling relationships look different for everyone. To me, good relationships consist of mutually-reciprocal confidants who support and challenge one another. These are relationships that demand both parties grow, somehow. I tell closest family members everything, and my friends are my biggest hype men. We also disagree, because no good relationship is completely frictionless, but there is a distinction to be made here between variance (healthy) and vindictiveness (cursed). I think a lot of people with small town syndrome struggle with identifying it.

I'm not going to say that everyone is always better off having a bunch of pseudo-friends; as a matter of fact, I think that tolerating a gaggle of assholes who are nice to you Only Sometimes to avoid feeling lonely is definitively worse than actually being alone. I think the video creator did the right thing for themself at this point in their life. It's important to be content spending time with oneself and having solitary hobbies. And I do relate to the creator of the video in that my family is close, which is a blessing I'll never take for granted. However, I believe that a community of peers and friends is the most vital weapon you can have in a society that is actively trying to isolate us. It is now an act of defiance to live in the real world. To turn away from it forever is a luxury none of us can afford anymore.

If you're out there and feel like you're stuck putting up with people that put you down: you deserve better, and you can find it. This goes for online friendships, too. Maybe even doubly so, what with the way that fandoms can turn persecutory and cultlike if you go against the grain. Friendship isn't about enduring negativity forever. Feeling like you're treading eggshells in every interaction is not a friendship. Hiding your interests and opinions for fear of derision is not friendship.

So yeah, you probably do need friends, just maybe not the ones you have.